Feeling Insecure? Use the 8 Mile Method

A lot of problems, conflict, resentment and aggressive behaviour usually come from our own insecurities. We're all insecure about something because we're all flawed in one way or another as human beings.

Many of us feel afraid and insecure because we're afraid that at some point, those flaws of ours will be exposed and used against us. Some will use them to make us feel bad about ourselves. Others who are more Machiavellian will use those flaws and insecurities to manipulate us to their advantage.

So how do we avoid our insecurities getting the best of us? Use the "8 Mile" method.

In the movie 8 Mile, Eminem's character had to go through several rap battles where freestyle rappers try to get the best of their opponents by insulting them to a beat, as creatively as possible.  *Spoiler alert*:  At the end of the movie Eminem's character, at the final rap battle, decides to point out all of his own flaws in public. Basically, he dissed himself before his opponent could do it.  By doing that he took away any ammunition that his opponent could use against him.

The first step is to take an honest look at ourselves in both the literal and proverbial mirrors. That honest look will allow us to identify our flaws. This not only gives us the choice of doing something to get rid of those flaws and improve ourselves. It also allows us to accept the fact that we have said flaws and take ownership of them.

Once we accept that we have our flaws and we start owning them, (or better yet, we start working on eliminating those flaws), these insecurities will slowly start disappearing.

Become Good at Saying No

If you've ever taken an Intro to Economics class, you would have probably heard of the concept of "Opportunity Cost". Briefly, the opportunity cost of making a choice are the missed benefits of choosing one alternative over another.

Because everyone has limited time, energy and resources, that means that when you agree to do something, you will miss out on other things. By saying "Yes" to do one thing, you're indirectly saying "No" to doing other things.

This is why one of the most important (and difficult) skills everyone needs to develop is how to say "No". Whether it's a business opportunity or friends and family members asking you to do them favours, you will receive requests that will require you to give up a combination of your time, energy and resources.

When thinking about saying "Yes" to any of these requests out of guilt, an unhealthy need to please others or perhaps a miscalculation of financial gain, remember what you're potentially giving up. Just ask yourself how much whatever you're being asked to commit to is going to cost in terms of your sanity, time away from loved ones, your physical health and/or your financial well-being. Then you'll realize why "No" can be one of the most valuable words in your vocabulary.

The (Potential) Benefits of Getting Bullied

For a brief time when I was about 10 or 11 years old, I got bullied. On a daily basis, a much larger kid, along with a couple of his buddies, threatened to beat me up if I didn't give him money.  Being a kid from a recently immigrated, not-very-well-off family, I didn't actually have any money to give him.  The experience induced a lot of anxiety whenever I had to go to school and I eventually told my parents.

Even before I got bullied, my parents somewhat prepared me and told me to expect to meet a-holes in the world who will eventually bully me.  It wasn't to scare me.  It was to prepare me so that I'm not surprised when it happens. They told me that when it happens, to stand my ground and not let any bullies push me around. I should try to talk the bully out of doing what he's doing, and if absolutely necessary, not be afraid to throw hands and fight back.

My parents never intervened. They never called my school or the bully's parents.  Eventually, after weeks of not acquiescing to my bully's threats and just standing up to him by saying no, the bullying stopped.  We thankfully never came to blows.  I think I eventually gained his respect because he saw I wasn't backing down from him. We never really became good friends, but everything was smooth sailing and he and his friends eventually left me alone.

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Today, with the best of intentions, schools have anti-bullying programs.  Kids are encouraged to immediately report bullying behaviour (be it physical, verbal or online) to a teacher or an adult.  Some schools have zero tolerance policies on bullying and fighting.  While the spirit behind these rules are commendable, there are some weird arguments that can be made to say that in certain situations, bullying can have some positive effects on kids.

Bullying experiences acts as fuel for success
How many stories of accomplished people in all walks of life have started by being subjected to bullying?

At some point, a lot of great art has been produced in reaction to people being oppressed, being bullied and being put in adverse situations.  Many comedians will tell you that one of the reasons they learned to make people laugh was because they didn't want to get picked on.  Many authors have taken the pain they felt from bullying and put that into creating great works of literature.  The field of acting is filled with people who are constantly seeking validation from other people, especially from "the cool kids" who excluded them when they were younger.

Look into the biographies of some of the wealthiest and most successful professional athletes (especially professional fighters).  You'll see that part of the reason they started their sport was because they were bullied.

Former two-division UFC champion Georges St-Pierre has openly shared that being bullied at school is what started him in martial arts.

Bullying can teach kids conflict resolution skills
With zero-tolerance bullying policies, kids are told to immediately report any bullying to teachers and their parents.  On the surface, this sounds good.  Eventually, if things get bad, you will want an adult to intervene and stop the bullying behaviour.

Here's my problem with it.  If kids who are getting bullied decide to immediately go to an adult as directed, they won't necessarily learn how to resolve the conflict with bullies on their own.  Instead, they will learn that the first thing they need to do when there's a conflict is to look for an authority figure to defend them.

So what happens when these kids grow up to be adults?  What if they have an "intimidating" neighbour who's playing music too loudly at night?  Will they be more likely to call the landlord or the cops immediately to complain?  Or will they talk to the neighbour first and nicely ask to turn the music down?

What if it's just a co-worker being a bit rude or inappropriate in the office?  An adult who as a kid learned to go to an authority figure will immediately go to their boss or to HR instead of figuring out a way to confront the office bully in a way that will help make the bullying stop while trying to keep the working relationship healthy.

Bullying can help kids learn social skills
One factor (though not the only one) that causes kids to get bullied seems to be the fact that they're not as socially adept as their peers.  I'd hate to sound like a "victim-blamer", but most of the time, the kids that get bullied are the ones who haven't yet developed the social skills needed to make friends, making them easy targets for bullies.

This is where parental preparation can be helpful. Teaching kids to be friendly, interested, curious and unafraid of rejection will help them talk to other kids. That will help them start conversations, find common ground and make friends more easily. Building social skills early will prevent a kid from getting bullied.

On a large scale, a lot of the school programs have learned this is the case and have been slowly implementing social skill building workshops for kids.  The great thing about this is that it won't just prevent bullying but will also develop adults with better social skills in the future.

Final Thoughts

Now, I'm not an advocate of bullying.  It's a terrible experience that I wouldn't like any kid to feel.  In fact, the online bullying of today makes it so much more of a difficult experience because it's no longer confined to a specific time and place. It can now happen to anyone 24x7 with technology and social media. In many cases, extreme bullying has sadly led to suicides. In that sense bullying is toxic.

However, like with any poison, it's all in the dosage.  Bullying can provide the benefits mentioned above, but it has to be the right amount and the right intensity.  My thought is that it should be like weight training.  If you start with bullying that's too much for the kid to handle, they will simply be crushed by the psychological and physical trauma. This is where online bullying can be a problem because the bullying doesn't end when the kid leaves the school.

With just the right amount, paired with proper parental preparation and management of expectations, bullying can help a kid strengthen their minds, learn to deal with conflicts, with people in general, and maybe even motivate them to succeed in the future.  The difficult part is finding the right balance that will build someone up instead of destroying them.