Develop credibility, humility, and a love of learning using a simple phrase

In the modern economy, expertise, skills and knowledge are some of the best measures of your competence. Many of us are afraid to admit whenever there's something we don't know. Despite that, one of the most important skills we need in the age of information is the ability to say "I don't know" both to ourselves and to others.

First, being able to admit that you don't know something forces you to stay humble. Being honest with yourself and others by saying "I don't know" means that you don't overstate your area(s) of expertise. This prevents you from receiving false recognition, which prevents arrogance and over-inflation of the ego.

Being able to say "I don't know" also keeps you curious and ready to learn. I'm not sure how most people are, but personally, if I'm asked a question and I don't know the answer, it bothers me. I want to find out the answer and look it up. That kind of behaviour develops curiosity and a love for learning new things. All because I admitted to myself and whoever is asking me a question that I don't know the answer.

Most importantly, in the long term, saying "I don't know" will keep you from losing credibility. There's always pressure to be a "subject matter expert", as well as the pressure to provide immediate answers without knowing what you're talking about. What will likely happen in this situation is that you'll give inaccurate information.  The person who receives that inaccurate information will make decisions, act on that information, and suffer the consequences.  When they do, you'll be blamed for their failure and be thought of as unreliable or worse, a liar.

Yes, it's important to be knowledgeable and skilled.  It's important to be able to answer questions about your field of expertise.  This is what competence in any field looks like. However, no matter how competent you are, there will always be something that you won't know. And that's all right. We're now in a world where almost all of human knowledge can be accessed almost instantaneously using a device in your pocket. You're better off saying "I don't know. I'll give you an answer as soon as I find out."

Feeling Insecure? Use the 8 Mile Method

A lot of problems, conflict, resentment and aggressive behaviour usually come from our own insecurities. We're all insecure about something because we're all flawed in one way or another as human beings.

Many of us feel afraid and insecure because we're afraid that at some point, those flaws of ours will be exposed and used against us. Some will use them to make us feel bad about ourselves. Others who are more Machiavellian will use those flaws and insecurities to manipulate us to their advantage.

So how do we avoid our insecurities getting the best of us? Use the "8 Mile" method.

In the movie 8 Mile, Eminem's character had to go through several rap battles where freestyle rappers try to get the best of their opponents by insulting them to a beat, as creatively as possible.  *Spoiler alert*:  At the end of the movie Eminem's character, at the final rap battle, decides to point out all of his own flaws in public. Basically, he dissed himself before his opponent could do it.  By doing that he took away any ammunition that his opponent could use against him.

The first step is to take an honest look at ourselves in both the literal and proverbial mirrors. That honest look will allow us to identify our flaws. This not only gives us the choice of doing something to get rid of those flaws and improve ourselves. It also allows us to accept the fact that we have said flaws and take ownership of them.

Once we accept that we have our flaws and we start owning them, (or better yet, we start working on eliminating those flaws), these insecurities will slowly start disappearing.

Failure IS an Option and Might be Your Best One (in some cases)

"Failure is not an option".

This is one of those cliché motivational quotes that you'll hear from sports, business and other fields.  I guess it's supposed to help drive people to succeed at whatever they're doing or something.  The truth is, for most of us living semi-comfortably, this adage is actually crap.

Of course, failure is an option.  It's not necessarily the one we want to pick most of the time, but it will always be one of your options. In fact, failing can be one of your best-case scenarios.

For one, the feeling that you get when you fail is terrible, especially the first time.  Learning how failure feels will make you be more prepared and work harder the next time you try, pushing you to succeed.

When stakes are relatively low, when you're trying to learn something, or when you're trying to innovate, failure is an important step. Failing gives you a chance to see what didn't work, why it didn't work and what changes are needed to make something succeed. This is a very important part of developing the white belt mentality required for continuous improvement in any field.

In a previous post, I've emphasized the importance of quitting. Another benefit of failing is that it can help you determine whether you need to readjust what you're doing or to quit altogether. Of course, this also requires an understanding of why you failed.

Yes, failing too often can be detrimental, especially when the stakes are high. However, if can react to failure the right way, you can use it to your advantage. What you don't want to do when you fail is to complain, blame others, avoid future challenges and adopt a victim, "woe is me" mentality. To benefit from failure, what you want to do when it happens is to get mad, maybe use a few expletives, then try to get better, and try harder.

How to Stay "Motivated"

Just to be clear I'm not a fan of "motivation" to help someone stick to whatever activity it is that they want to stick to.  Motivation can be OK to get you started but not really the best at getting you going when things get difficult.  Discipline and having an overall view of why you're doing something will always be better than looking at motivational quotes and videos on social media.

That said, for those who really want to stay "motivated", I would say that the best way is to constantly look for what you're not good at and finding ways to improve it.  Set an achievable goal and work on that weakness.

Let's take martial arts as an example.  If you think that you've gotten good at punches, make a goal to make your kicks better.  From that goal you can pick an aspect of kicking that you can improve.  You can try to improve your hip mobility and leg flexibility to kick higher; or maybe try to improve the speed of your kicks; or develop the reaction time to use your kicks as intercepting counter-attacks; or make the accuracy of your kicks better.

You get the idea.  The point is, be honest with yourself and find out what your weaknesses are. Then set a goal to improve on those weaknesses by breaking them up in smaller sub-goals.  Completing those smaller tasks will help you see that you're progressing and the pursuit of those "small wins" can be very helpful in keeping someone motivated.

Become Good at Saying No

If you've ever taken an Intro to Economics class, you would have probably heard of the concept of "Opportunity Cost". Briefly, the opportunity cost of making a choice are the missed benefits of choosing one alternative over another.

Because everyone has limited time, energy and resources, that means that when you agree to do something, you will miss out on other things. By saying "Yes" to do one thing, you're indirectly saying "No" to doing other things.

This is why one of the most important (and difficult) skills everyone needs to develop is how to say "No". Whether it's a business opportunity or friends and family members asking you to do them favours, you will receive requests that will require you to give up a combination of your time, energy and resources.

When thinking about saying "Yes" to any of these requests out of guilt, an unhealthy need to please others or perhaps a miscalculation of financial gain, remember what you're potentially giving up. Just ask yourself how much whatever you're being asked to commit to is going to cost in terms of your sanity, time away from loved ones, your physical health and/or your financial well-being. Then you'll realize why "No" can be one of the most valuable words in your vocabulary.

Never be Afraid to Quit

We've all heard the adage: "Winners never quit.  Quitters never win."

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The better adage is: "You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away. And know when to run."

Yes, persistence and perseverance can get you far.  You can become very successful by sticking to something for a long time while trying to improve.  It's a skill that can help you in life.

However, knowing when and how to quit something is actually equally important.  At some point, we have to recognize when we're no longer able to improve on a situation despite the amount of resources you've sunk into it.

We all need to recognize the point when, despite any additional effort, failure is inevitable. When that happens, learn from your failure, quit, then divert your remaining resources and energy on other endeavours (or a modified version of the failed one). This is how quitting will lead to future success.

Time is Money? Nope

"Time is money."  It's an old, false adage that many people in business just perpetuated.  The truth is that if you spend money, you can still make it back later on by trading your time.  When it comes to time, there's no amount of money that will allow you to get back time that you lost.  It's gone. If you're fortunate enough you'll be able to pay someone to do things you don't want so you can have more time for the things you want to do.

 

Learning how to spend our hard-earned money is incredibly important. Learning how to spend your time is even more so.  Most of us need to be smarter when choosing which activities to engage in when offered money in exchange for your time.  On the flip side, it's just as crucial to respect other peoples' time by providing them value when they've made a decision to give any amount of it to you.

The (Potential) Benefits of Getting Bullied

For a brief time when I was about 10 or 11 years old, I got bullied. On a daily basis, a much larger kid, along with a couple of his buddies, threatened to beat me up if I didn't give him money.  Being a kid from a recently immigrated, not-very-well-off family, I didn't actually have any money to give him.  The experience induced a lot of anxiety whenever I had to go to school and I eventually told my parents.

Even before I got bullied, my parents somewhat prepared me and told me to expect to meet a-holes in the world who will eventually bully me.  It wasn't to scare me.  It was to prepare me so that I'm not surprised when it happens. They told me that when it happens, to stand my ground and not let any bullies push me around. I should try to talk the bully out of doing what he's doing, and if absolutely necessary, not be afraid to throw hands and fight back.

My parents never intervened. They never called my school or the bully's parents.  Eventually, after weeks of not acquiescing to my bully's threats and just standing up to him by saying no, the bullying stopped.  We thankfully never came to blows.  I think I eventually gained his respect because he saw I wasn't backing down from him. We never really became good friends, but everything was smooth sailing and he and his friends eventually left me alone.

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Today, with the best of intentions, schools have anti-bullying programs.  Kids are encouraged to immediately report bullying behaviour (be it physical, verbal or online) to a teacher or an adult.  Some schools have zero tolerance policies on bullying and fighting.  While the spirit behind these rules are commendable, there are some weird arguments that can be made to say that in certain situations, bullying can have some positive effects on kids.

Bullying experiences acts as fuel for success
How many stories of accomplished people in all walks of life have started by being subjected to bullying?

At some point, a lot of great art has been produced in reaction to people being oppressed, being bullied and being put in adverse situations.  Many comedians will tell you that one of the reasons they learned to make people laugh was because they didn't want to get picked on.  Many authors have taken the pain they felt from bullying and put that into creating great works of literature.  The field of acting is filled with people who are constantly seeking validation from other people, especially from "the cool kids" who excluded them when they were younger.

Look into the biographies of some of the wealthiest and most successful professional athletes (especially professional fighters).  You'll see that part of the reason they started their sport was because they were bullied.

Former two-division UFC champion Georges St-Pierre has openly shared that being bullied at school is what started him in martial arts.

Bullying can teach kids conflict resolution skills
With zero-tolerance bullying policies, kids are told to immediately report any bullying to teachers and their parents.  On the surface, this sounds good.  Eventually, if things get bad, you will want an adult to intervene and stop the bullying behaviour.

Here's my problem with it.  If kids who are getting bullied decide to immediately go to an adult as directed, they won't necessarily learn how to resolve the conflict with bullies on their own.  Instead, they will learn that the first thing they need to do when there's a conflict is to look for an authority figure to defend them.

So what happens when these kids grow up to be adults?  What if they have an "intimidating" neighbour who's playing music too loudly at night?  Will they be more likely to call the landlord or the cops immediately to complain?  Or will they talk to the neighbour first and nicely ask to turn the music down?

What if it's just a co-worker being a bit rude or inappropriate in the office?  An adult who as a kid learned to go to an authority figure will immediately go to their boss or to HR instead of figuring out a way to confront the office bully in a way that will help make the bullying stop while trying to keep the working relationship healthy.

Bullying can help kids learn social skills
One factor (though not the only one) that causes kids to get bullied seems to be the fact that they're not as socially adept as their peers.  I'd hate to sound like a "victim-blamer", but most of the time, the kids that get bullied are the ones who haven't yet developed the social skills needed to make friends, making them easy targets for bullies.

This is where parental preparation can be helpful. Teaching kids to be friendly, interested, curious and unafraid of rejection will help them talk to other kids. That will help them start conversations, find common ground and make friends more easily. Building social skills early will prevent a kid from getting bullied.

On a large scale, a lot of the school programs have learned this is the case and have been slowly implementing social skill building workshops for kids.  The great thing about this is that it won't just prevent bullying but will also develop adults with better social skills in the future.

Final Thoughts

Now, I'm not an advocate of bullying.  It's a terrible experience that I wouldn't like any kid to feel.  In fact, the online bullying of today makes it so much more of a difficult experience because it's no longer confined to a specific time and place. It can now happen to anyone 24x7 with technology and social media. In many cases, extreme bullying has sadly led to suicides. In that sense bullying is toxic.

However, like with any poison, it's all in the dosage.  Bullying can provide the benefits mentioned above, but it has to be the right amount and the right intensity.  My thought is that it should be like weight training.  If you start with bullying that's too much for the kid to handle, they will simply be crushed by the psychological and physical trauma. This is where online bullying can be a problem because the bullying doesn't end when the kid leaves the school.

With just the right amount, paired with proper parental preparation and management of expectations, bullying can help a kid strengthen their minds, learn to deal with conflicts, with people in general, and maybe even motivate them to succeed in the future.  The difficult part is finding the right balance that will build someone up instead of destroying them.

White Belt Mentality

Whenever I teach a new group of white belts, the first thing I tell them is that they'll feel overwhelmed with a lot of new information coming at them.  I say that they'll make tons of mistakes and they'll probably get confused. A lot. Most importantly, I'll tell them they shouldn't worry about it.

I'll tell them that they just need to do their best to follow along, keep their eyes and ears open, and learn as much as they can every time they show up.  With constant, deliberate practice of the basics, they'll eventually make progress.

This is a mentality that we all need to have. Even when we become "experts" at any field, practicing and going back to the basics should never be "beneath you". Sometimes it's good to re-examine the basics, to try and then fail as a learning experience. Remaining humble by having a white belt mentality helps us get even better at the things that we've been doing for years and opening ourselves up to learn something new.

We Are NOT Created Equal

This is a follow up on the previous piece on how to get good at anything.

The premise of practicing with full conscious effort will definitely get you as far as you potentially can in any given field. However, there are limitations to how far each individual can get because we are not born with the same genetic potential and predispositions.

Some people have the genetic predisposition to have more fast-twitch muscle. Some are more likely to have certain types of addictions. Other individuals are more likely to get certain kinds of cancer. Some will be born with missing limbs. Some have genes that cause them to have osteoporosis and arthritis before the age of 40. Others will be predisposed to have higher muscular endurance and a higher pain threshold. Some people will be born to be potentially 7 feet tall while others won't grow taller than 4 feet.

I could quit my day job, train for 8 hours a day and try to get faster at sprinting for the next 4 years. Despite the 10,000 hours of dedicated training I will never even come close to catching a retired, "out-of-shape" Usain Bolt in a 100 meter dash. Although I might be able to outdo him in other things (here's hoping any way).

 

Bottom line: constant practice with conscious effort will make you better at any skill. However, there is an upper limit that we can get to for each field, be it sports, intellectual pursuits, martial arts, music, or entrepreneurship.

Guess what! Life isn't fair. Every individual will have certain biological advantages over other people in certain fields while having disadvantages in others. Despite what any idealist with their heart in the right place will tell you, we are not all created equal. What's important is that we give everyone the equal opportunity to find, acquire and develop the skills that best fit with their strengths.

How to Get Good at Anything

It's a very simple formula.  Simple, but not easy.

To gain skills, be it playing a musical instrument, sports, stand-up comedy, acting, martial arts, math, languages, computer programming, public speaking, video editing, or even entrepreneurship, there is a very simple formula if you want to get better at any skill:

1) Practice a lot
2) Put in a lot of conscious effort to what you're practicing

The first point, you've heard before.  The "magic number" of 10,000 hours has been thrown around as the minimum needed to master a skill.  While it's been argued that this magic number is more or less legit, the point is, to get somewhat good at a skill, you need to have a lot of repetitions.  Without the practice, you won't get better.

What's more important though is the second point. You can "practice" something for 16 hours a day. If you are not consciously making the effort to practice whatever you're doing without trying to do it correctly, you're wasting your time. By practicing something without effort or without thinking for long periods of time, you'll just end up making yourself worse at that skill and develop bad habits. Instead, you need to go through the correct progressions, acknowledge that you made mistakes during practice and learn how to avoid them in the future.

Really you're just trying to find ways to be better than you were since the last time you practiced.



That's it.  No special shortcuts, no simple hacks.  Just put in time and conscious effort.